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Mustafa bhig wann

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i am a nice person once u get 2 no me. i am a loyal person hu has a short tempa. i can mak ne1, ne wher laff. im a trustworthy person once u gt 2 no me.

тнє ωσяℓ∂ ιѕ уσυяѕ

υ ωαииα fυк ωι∂ мє. σкαу! υ ωαииα ρℓαу яσυgн ωι∂ мє. σкαу! ѕαу нєℓℓσ 2 мα ℓιℓ fяιєи∂!!!
Welcome 2 my space!!! тнє ωσяℓ∂ ιѕ уσυяѕ

 

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March 20

Welcum 2 ma space

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February 20

Talking about ISLAMIC QUOTES.

 

SUM REALLY NICE ISLAMIC QUOTES!!!

 

Side by Side or Miles Apart, Dear Friends Are Always Close to The Heart. I Pray My Prayers Like I Always Do, May The Peace Of Allah Always Be With You.

 

I pray the prayer like the Easteners do, May the peace of Allah abide with you, Wherever you stay, Wherever you go, May the beautiful palms of Allah grow, Through days of labor, and nights of rest, The love of Good Allah makes you blest, So I touch My heart-- as the Eastenders do, May the peace of Allah abide you.

 

 If Allah brings you to it, He will bring you through it.

In happy moments praise Allah, In difficuilt moments, seek Allah.

 In quiet moments, worship Allah,

In painful moments, trust Allah.

 In every moment thank Allah.

 

Watch your thoughts, They become words.

 Watch your words, They become actions.

 Watch your actions, They become habits.

Watch your habits, They become character.

Watch your character, They become Destiny.

 

February 19

The Minor Signs of the Last Day

Qiyamah will come when...

* When it will be regarded as a shame to act on Quranic injunctions.
* When untrustworthy people will be regarded as trustworthy and the trustworthy will be regarded as untrustworthy.
* When it will be hot in winter (and vice versa).
* When the length of days is stretched, i.e. a journey of a few days is covered in a matter of hours.
* When orators and lecturers lie openly.
* When people dispute over petty issues.
* When women with children come displeased on account of them bearing offspring, and barren women remain happy on account of having no responsibility of offspring.
* When oppression, jealousy, and greed become the order of the day.
* When people blatantly follow their passions and whims.
* When lies prevail over the truth.
* When violence, bloodshed and anarchy become common.
* When immorality overtakes shamelessness and is perpetrated publicly.
* When legislation matters pertaining to Deen is handed over to the worst elements of the Ummat, and if people accept them and are satisfied with their findings, then such persons will not smell the fragrance of Jannat.
* When the offspring become a cause of grief and anger (for their parents).

The following is part of a lengthy Hadith narrated by Hadhrat Abdullah Ibn Mas'ood (R.A.) when he inquired from Rasulallah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wassallam) about the Signs of Qiyamah.

* Music and musical instruments will be found in every home.
* People will indulge in homosexuality.
* There will be an abundance of illegitimate children.
* There will be an abundance of critics, tale-carriers, back- biters and taunters in society.
* People will establish ties with strangers and sever relations with their near and dear ones.
* Hypocrites will be in control of the affairs of the community and evil, immoral people will be at the helm of business establishments.
* The Masjid will be decorated, but the hearts of the people will be devoid of guidance.
* The courtyards of Masjids will be built beautifully and high mimbars (pulpits) will be erected.
* Gangsters and evil people will prevail.
* Various wines will be consumed excessively.

Auf bin Malik (R.A.) says: I came to Rasulullah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam) while he was in his skin tent during the Tabuk expedition. He said to me, "Count six things before the advent of Qiyamah':

1 My death
2 The conquest of Jerusalem
3 Mass deaths amongst you people, just as when sheep die in large numbers during an epidemic
4 Abundance of wealth to such an extent that if a person were to be given a hundred Dinars he will still not be satisfied
5 General anarchy and bloodshed, that no Arab household will be spared from it
6 Then a life of peace as a result of a peace agreement between you and the Banil Asfaar
(Romans) which they will break and attack you with a force consisting of eighty flags and under each flag will be an army of twelve thousand men." (Hadith: Sahih Bukhari).

IRAQ and SYRIA

Abu Nadhrah says:
"We were sitting in the company of Jabir bin Abdullah
when he said: 'Soon the people of IRAQ will neither receive any food (grain) nor any money.'"
We asked, "Why would such a thing happen?"
He replied, "Because of the non-Arabs." (i.e they will prevent food from going into Iraq, in the form of "sanctions" to this day.)
He then said: "Soon the people of Shaam (SYRIA) will neither receive any money nor grain." We asked as to why this would happen.
He replied: "Because of the Romans (christians)."

CONCEITED PEOPLE:

Hadhrat Abbas (R.A) narrates that Rasulallah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wassallam) has said,
"Islam will spread far and wide, across the seas. Horses will cross the land and seas in the cause of Jihaad. Then a time will come wherein a group of people will emerge which recites the Quraan.
 
They will claim,''

'We have recited the Quraan and is there anyone who understands the Quraan better than us? There is NO ONE more proficient than us in the study of the Quraan.'

Then Rasulallah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wassallam) asked the Sahaba,
"Do you see any good in their claims?"
The Sahaba replied,
"No".
Rasulallah (Sallallahu Alayhi Wassallam) said,
 
"But these conceited claimants will be from my Ummah and will be the fuel of the Fire."

Punishment of a Liar

Narrated Anas: There was a Christian who embraced Islam and read Surat-al-Baqara and Al-Imran, and he used to write (the revelations) for the Prophet.
Later on he returned to Christianity again and he used to say:
"Muhammad knows nothing but what I have written for him."
Then Allah caused him to die, and the people buried him, but in the morning they saw that the earth had thrown his body out.
They said,
"This is the act of Muhammad and his companions. They dug the grave of our companion and took his body out of it because he had run away from them."
They again dug the grave deeply for him, but in the morning they again saw that the earth had thrown his body out.
They said,
"This is an act of Muhammad and his companions. They dug the grave of our companion and threw his body outside it, for he had run away from them."
They dug the grave for him as deep as they could, but in the morning they again saw that the earth had thrown his body out.
So they believed that what had befallen him was not done by human beings and had to leave him thrown (on the ground).

The Position of Mother

The following is a touching story about a new Muslim and his mother.

Before he was a Muslim, he lived with his mother until he was about 18 years old. Then he moved out of his home and lived in a different place on his own.

During those days, he met some Muslims and became a very close friend of them. Eventually he himself became a Muslim after learning about the beautiful religion of Islam from them.

He made an effort every day to learn more and more about Islam. One day, he came to learn about the benefits of being good to one's parents.

He learned that a person who looks at his parents with the eyes of obedience gets the reward of one accepted Hajj! (The reward is mentioned in an authentic hadith of Sahih Muslim).

After knowing this, he decided to visit his mother whom he did not visit for many years. He bought some flowers and fruits for her on his way. His mother was very pleased to see him after so long.

He started spending lots of time with his mother on a regular basis. During his visits, he would stare at his mother and tears would roll down from his eyes.

The mother noticed this happening many times and asked him one day the reason why he visits her so much all of a sudden and why he cries. He told her about how he became a Muslim and that the position of a mother in Islam is very high.

He also told her about the reward he gets for looking at her. But while looking at her, he cries because the mother is not a Muslim and would not be able to save herself if she dies in this state. The mother immediately recognized the beauty of Islam and became a Muslim.

How a Person Could Change!

The following story was narrated to us by brother Mahmud from Preston, England.

Once, he along with a group of Muslims were visiting a city for inviting others to Allah.

They happened to pass by a group of youths who were Muslims by birth but became gang members.

The brothers didn't give those gang members the negative attitude that others give while passing by them. Rather, they went and hand-shook with them out of brotherhood. With love and affection, the brothers invited the youths to come to the Masjid. Not being familiar with such kindness, the gang members were surprised and decided to come to the Masjid for once.

These youths were so much away from Islam that they were smoking in the Masjid and doing a lot of other disrespectful acts. However, brother Mahmud and others were discussing with them about the Greatness of Allah with patience and endurance. A time came when the brothers had to return to their homes and before leaving they advised the gang members to turn towards Allah.

After several years, brother Mahmud was attending a large gathering of Muslims when suddenly someone called him from the back. There were few people dressed in sunnah standing behind him. They asked brother Mahmud if he recognizes them. They told him, “We are those gang members whom you visited few years back. We decided to go out and learn more about Islam and eventually changed our lives.”

Dear readers, we should never underestimate certain people because of the way they are as every individual has the capacity to become a friend of Allah. It is only Allah who guides; we can only try with kindness to reach out to their hearts.

An Interview with Muhammad Ali

The following incident took place during an interview with the world famous boxer, Muhammad Ali.

It all started with an innocent question: You have beaten some of the toughest men in the world in the ring. What scares you the most?

Ali: [Points to his wife, to much laughter]

Lonnie Ali: Come on, Muhammad, joking aside, tell them what really scares you.

Ali: Nothing.

Lonnie Ali: Nothing on this earth maybe, but ... tell them Muhammad.
[There is a long pause]

Ali: Not going to heaven.
[Everyone present became silent. Sister Lonnie Ali had tears flowing down her cheeks. Others present were also shaken and silent. A few wiping their eyes. Br. Malik Mujahid broke the silence, patting Muhammad Ali on his arm.]

Malik Mujahid: "No, Insha Allah, you will enter Jannah because you have helped so many people."

Ali: [Muhammad Ali turned his face towards Br. Malik Mujahid, looking at him as though asking: Are you sure? Are you sure about yourself?]

Malik Mujahid: "The Mumin lives between hope and fear."

 

 

Where as the toughest man in the world is wondering about his place in Jannah, what do you think about yourslef. Will you go to Jannah? Its a question which everyone must ask himself and herself. A good answer may help us focus on the everlasting life.

We pray to Allah for the best of both worlds. If we want Allah to give us the best, we will have to strive for it.

Picture of God

A kindergarten teacher was observing her class of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied,

"I'm drawing God."

The teacher paused and said,

"But no one knows what God looks like."

Without missing a beat or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,

"They will in a minute."

Help from above

A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray...

"God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the Lotto."

Lotto night comes, and somebody else wins it.

She again prays...

"God, please let me win the Lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again, she prays...

"My God, why have You forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I have always been a good servant to You. PLEASE let me win the Lotto just this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open.

The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God Himself...

"Sweetheart, work with Me on this... Buy a ticket"

February 11

speedin fine

A young dating couple were driving down the road in a very busy area, when things started to get somewhat passionate. They decided to pull over and park and have some fun. Things were really getting hot, and they were not paying any attention to what was going on outside. All of a sudden a policeman was tapping on their window. The cop could hardly contain himself. "Didn't you know that you are not suppose to be having sex in public?"

he asked the couple. Being embarrassed at being caught said yes and apologized.

"Well, he said, I will have to write you a ticket."

So the cop wrote the ticket and reminded them next time to watch their behavior. After getting dressed the girlfriend asked her boyfriend what the policeman wrote the ticket for.

He responded,

"Doing 69 in a 35 mph speed zone!"

3 lil words

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy, young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes away from him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward them. Before she could offer her apologies for being so rude for staring, the young man said to her,

"I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked

'what the condition was.'

The young man replied,

"You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, withdrew from her purse and slowly counted out five $20 bills, which she gladly pressed into the young man's hand. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly and meaningfully said .......

"Clean my house."

February 10

magician & business

one day 2 best m8s from college met each other while do they daily routine.
one of the m8s became a magician while the other went on to do higher education and became a successful businessman.
The 2 m8s gt chatn bout wat happend after they went separate ways.
The magician tried everyfing he could to become rich but nothing appealed to him. the businessman on the other hands went from working clas to rich millionaire.
The magician asked him
'how did u did accomplished such wealth'
the businessman replies
'By taking greater risks than u'
Magican then says 'u want to take a risk, a lil business clause, il show u a magic trick if u tel me ur secret to success'
the busines man agrees!!!
 
so the businessman gives hes long lost m8 hes business card so he could contact him. And of he went.
 
A week passes along no fone call from hes m8.
then one l8 night @ 11pm the fone rings he answers it, its hes m8!
'il be around yours @ midnight show u my trick'
the business waits!!!
 
the magician come round at mid night and says
'i can put my hand up ur ass n pul out a rabbit'
The business finkn dis is impossible goes along coz he dnt wnta tel hes m8 hes secret to success!!!
he puls hes trousas dwn, n says
'put ur hand up my ass n pul out ur rabbit'
the magician says 'hold on tight then'
 
the magicain inserts hes hands up hes ass!!!
'can u feel my hand'
'yeh but it hurts'
 
'HOW CAN U WEN MY HAND IS ERE!!!'
 

 

 

chain letters

they are 4 types of chain letters dat pis me of!!! mayb u ave da same feelins lyk me 2!!!
 
type 1: this is was da 1st chain letter i gt!!!
 
(scroll down)
.
.
Make a wish!!!
.
.
Really, go on and make one!!!
.
.
Oh please, they'll NEVER go out with you!!!
.
.
Wish something else!!!
.
.
Not that, you pervert!!
.
.
Are your fingers getting tired yet?
.
.
STOP!!!!


Wasn't that fun? Hope you made a great wish. Now, to make you feel guilty, here's what I'll do. First of all, if you don't send this to 5096 people in the next 5 seconds, you will be raped by a mad goat and then thrown off a high building into a pile of manure. It's true! Because, you know, THIS letter isn't like all of those fake ones, THIS one is TRUE!! Really!!!

Here's how it goes:

*Send this to 1 person: One person will be pissed off at you for sending him/her a stupid chain letter.

*Send this to 2-5 people: 2-5 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*5-10 people: 5-10 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*10-20 people: 10-20 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

*20 to 674, 951 1/2 people: 20 to 674, 951 1/2 people will be pissed off at you for sending them a stupid chain letter.

Thanks!!!! Good Luck!!!

 

Type 2: the bullshit one!!! where u get emotionally blak mailed!!!

 

Hello, and thank you for reading this letter. You see, there is a starving little boy in Baklaliviatatlaglooshen who has no arms, no legs, no parents, and no goats. This little boy's life could be saved, because for every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Little Starving Legless Armless Goatless Boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen Fund. Remember, we have no way of counting letters sent and this is all bull. So go on, reach out.

Send this to 5 people in the next 47 seconds. Oh, and a reminder-if you accidentally send this to 4 or 6 people, you will die instantly.

Thanks again!!

 

Type 3: the ones that try and scare u!!! dnt wrk on me tho!!!

 

Hi there!! This chain letter has been in existence since 1897. This is absolutely incredible because there was no email then and probably not as many little 8 year olds writing chain letters. So this is how it works. Pass this on to 1,5067 people in the next 7 minutes or something horrible will happen to you like:

Queer Horror Story #1
Miranda Pinsley was walking home from school on Saturday. She had recently received this letter and ignored it. She then tripped in a crack in the sidewalk, fell into the sewer, was gushed down a drainpipe in a flood of poopie, and went flying out over a waterfall. Not only did she smell nasty, she died.

This Could Happen To YOU!!!

Queer Horror Story #2
Dexter Bip, a 13 year old boy, got a chain letter in his mail and ignored it. Later that day, he was hit by a car and so was his boyfriend (hey, some people swing that way). They both died and went to hell. They continued to suffer in hell where they were both cursed to eat adorable kittens every day for eternity.

This Could Happen To You!!!

Remember, you could end up like Pinsley and Bip did. Just send this letter to all of your loser friends, and everything will be OK.

 

Type 4: the friendships ones!!!

 

As if you care, here is a poem that I wrote. Send it to every one of your friends.

Friends

-A friend is an angel, someone who is always at your side,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you smell like poop,
-A friend is someone who likes you even though you're disgustingly ugly,
-A friend is someone who cleans up for you after you've soiled yourself,
-A friend is someone who stays with you all night while you cry about your loser life,
-A friend is someone who pretends they like you when they really think you should be raped by a mad goat and then thrown to vicious dogs,
-A friend is someone who scrubs your toilet and vacuums and then gets the check and leaves and doesn't speak much English, no sorry that's the cleaning lady,
-A friend is not someone who sends you chain letters because he wants his wish of his crush doing the nasty with him to come true.

 


There. Now that we've covered and dumped on the four main types of chain letters, onto the ironic part. In order for this to get any popularity, send it on!!! If you don't think it was funny at all, don't bother, but otherwise forward this sucker to everyone you know!!

If you don't, I don't care, but why not show this around? Take two minutes and forward it. Thanks!

Remember, the moral of the story is, if you get a chain letter, ignore it. If it's a joke or something, send it, sure, but if it's gonna make people feel guilty (i.e. the willieless boy from Baklaliviatatlaglooshen) or nervous (i.e. Miranda Pinsley who ended up in a waterfall of turds) just delete it. Do yourself a favor, and everyone else in the world, and say, "#$@%CHAIN LETTERS!!"

YEAH!

 

WHO SENDS THESE ON MUST BE A PROPA FOOL!!!

WAKE UP NUFFN WULD HURT U!!! THIS IS A PURE EXAMPLE OF BULLSHIT!!!

ITS BOUT TYM THAT U RECONGISED IT!!!

7inches

A Newfoundlander enters his favorite ritzy restaurant in Toronto and while sitting at his regular table, he noticed a gorgeous woman sitting at a table nearby....all alone.


He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her - knowing that if she accepts it, she is his.


The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman. She looks at the wine and decides to send a note over to the man.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank, and 7 inches in your pants."


After reading the note, the Newfoundlander sends one of his own back to her and it read:

"Just so you know - BMW 850iL, and a Mercedes 560SEL are in my garage; plus I have over 10 million dollars in the bank. But -- not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off two inches. Just send the bottle back."

Man dies after playing computer games non-stop

A 24-year-old South Korean man died after playing computer games nonstop for 86 hours, police said yesterday.


The jobless man, identified by police only by his last name Kim, was found dead at an Internet cafe in Kwangju, 260 kilometres southwest of Seoul, they said.


Quoting witnesses, police detective Oh Myong-sik in Kwangju said the man had been virtually glued to the computer since late last Friday and had no decent sleep and meals.


The man collapsed in front of the counter early yesterday but soon regained consciousness. He then went to the toilet where he later was found dead, the police officer said.


Initial investigation ruled out the possibility of murder, police said. An autopsy was planned.


South Korea is among the world's most Internet-savvy nations with more than half of its 47 million people having access to the Internet. South Korea has some 22,000 Internet cafes, also known as PC rooms.

the secret language of women

Fine:
This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. Never use fine to describe how woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.

Five minutes:
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

Nothing:
This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (with raised eyebrows):
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".

Go Ahead (normal eyebrows):
This means, "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

Loud Sigh:
This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

Soft Sigh:
Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.

Oh:
This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh, let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days. "Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so inspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.

That's Okay:
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. "That's Okay," means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done.
"That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

Please Do:
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".

Thanks:
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.

Thanks a lot:
This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she will only tell you "Nothing".

I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...

Crosses Arms:
this is a gesture. this means that she is waiting for you to say something else completely stupid. be careful not to ask what's wrong and you will get the answer of nothing with a loud sigh.

The Eye roll:
this is also a gesture. this also means she thinks you are completely stupid. this will prolly preceed the words oh really? and if you say i can explain you will get a please do or a go ahead with raised eye brows. when you get the fine, you know you've lost. try again in five minutes and maybe you'll get a small sigh. if not, please proceed to the nearest exit. the phrase she has in mind is, "Don't call me...I'll call you."

The Foot Tap:
This can mean one of two things, neither of which are any good news to you. It can mean A) why have you not commented on these really cute shoes (and or pedicure) i just got, trying to look good for YOU! in this case it will often be followed with the raised eyebrows and sometimes, a loud sigh. or B)she is saying to herself, I don't remember a time before i started standing here. You take longer to get ready then my sister for the prom. She is quite possibly considering the fact that you are a metrosexual, which, as all straight men know, is no good sign. When you are finally ready, or done with whatever it is that is keeping you from focusing all your attention on her you will get a thanks a lot. don't try to fight it, or you will more than likely get the eyeroll.

February 09

the hippee and da nun

A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him.

The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the bus at the next stop.

When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you".

The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and pray's to God.

If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are god and you could command her to have sex with you.

The hippie decides this is a great idea, so on Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up.

At midnight sure enough the nun showed up, while she was in the middle of praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says.

"I AM GOD."

"I have heard your prayers and I will answer them BUT ... first you must have sex with me."

The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church.

The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun.

After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts

 

"Ha, Ha Ha I'm the hippie!!"

Then the nun jumps up and shouts "Ha Ha Ha I'm the bus driver!!"

January 21

Blindman

A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink.
After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice,
"Hey bartender, you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?"!!!
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet.
In a very deep, husky voice,
the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair giving that you are blind - that you should know five things...
1 - The bartender is a blonde woman.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde woman.
3 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
4 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler,
and 5 - I'm a 6 foot tall, 200 lb. blonde woman with a PhD., a black belt in karate and a bad attitude!
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and says:
 
"Nah...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
January 19

Chav jokes

What do you call a chav in a box? Innit.

What do you call a chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted.

What do you call a chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.

What do you call an Eskimo chav? Innuinnit.

Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.

What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride.

You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you try not to hit him? It might be your bike.

What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick and hairy, the other's a coconut.

What's the first question at a Chav quiz night? "What you lookin at?"

How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes on it.

Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police.

What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar.

What do you say to a chav with a job? "Can I have a big mac please?"

What do you say to a chav in a suit? "Will the defendant please stand"

What do you call a knife in chav-ville? Exhibit A.

Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova seats 4.

What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny.

How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll screw anything.

What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.

How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some uvver bleeders job innit."

Why did the Chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just forgot to close the Nova's window in the car wash

Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random stranger for no reason whatsoever.

What do you call a Chav at college? The janitor.

Two chavs jump off a beachy head, who wins? Society.

Subject: In the casket?

"family, and congregants are mourning over
you, what would you like to hear them say?"


Episcopal Priest: "I would like to hear
them say that I was a wonderful husband,
a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."

Catholic Priest: "I would like to hear that I
was a wonderful teacher and a servant of God
who made a huge difference in people's lives."

Rabbi: "I would like to hear them say, 'Look, he's
 moving!"

Hole

A guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up  ahead of him and went to her and said "Can you please help me, I don't know  what hole I'm on".

She told him "You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6".

He thanked her and continued playing golf.  On the back nine he got  lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. "I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please  tell me what hole I'm on".

She told him "you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13."

Again he thanked her and continued playing golf. When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping  him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.  "I'm in sales" He replied "no kidding so am I. What do you sell?" She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading  to know what she sold she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh. He promised. She said, "I sell tampons". He immediately fell to the floor laughing

hysterically. She said, "You promised you wouldn't laugh". He replied "I'm sorry,  but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper. I'm still one hole behind you."

January 14

wat r u dressed as?

You scored as Trendy. Your A Trendy

Trendy

75%

Prepy

30%

Chav, Townie, Rude Boy, Ned, Kev

25%

Emo

25%

Goth

15%

Rocker, Mosher

10%

Skater

0%

What Group Are You? Chav, Rocker, Skater, Emo, Goth, Trendy, Prepy E.c.t
created with QuizFarm.com
January 08

Death

"EvRy SOUL ShAlL TaStE DEaTh..."